Prayer to a mortal

project gutenburg
What language shall I speak to thee
To tell how I feel
To plead to allow me to steal
A new smile for your lips.

What words should I choose
To tell you that I only want to see you greet the morning Sun
I only long to see you sleep
I dream to feel the air you breathe.

Teach me to speak the inaudible words
To let you know that I love you now
And shall love you till my grave withers away
To tell you that false hopes of owning your heart
Is the only thing that keeps my heart from giving away.

One Last Time

Thanks to the times we live in I doubt if at least one inspirational speech, we heard in our lives, did not allude to one of the most overused couplets of our time

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,

But I have promises to keep,

And miles to go before I sleep,

And miles to go before I sleep.

I had a rather unromantic tryst with these words first penned by Robert Frost, it was a part of my English language syllabus in class 8th or 9th, I can’t exactly recall. But like all great pieces of art or science if you are meant to learn it because someone else decided you should, this piece of literature is no longer a great specimen of human creativity but is experimental rat meant to be dissected, questioned. At least some part of the soul of this couplet has not touched me.Every now and then I feel like rebelling against the thought behind this couplet. Even if the undercurrent known to me might be wrong, howsoever unlikely it is, any other undercurrent interpreted by me would have invariably led to me getting less marks in English exam :D. Worse still, i ran the risk of being branded a duffer. Whatever might be the reason, today I find myself concurring with the majority that frost ignored the beauty that lay all around him for he had unfinished business. He chose to psi(a kgp lingo, i could not resist using,) the beauty that lay all around him.

It is malady that has struck us all. Many a times I find me and all I know ignoring all the good things around us. Being a guy whose many a reaction are driven by his sense organs, I shall allude to good food. I have been a diabetic for over to years now. Yet the day I confirmed my suspicion that sooner or later I was going to be a diabetic still rings in my mind. My limping steps towards the emergency ward in Kolkata’s daffodils hospital with no one by my side. my lonely night in the hospital cabin and the pleas of the attendant to switch channels as I was watching the race of the season. the race where Kimi snatched victory from Hamilton. :D. What a race it was. When the senior doctor came and scolded his junior in front of me for diagnosing my three days of non-stop bleeding and told him to test me for blood sugar I did not need to wait for the test results to know what the outcome was. But curiously enough I did not feel sad. Years of mental preparation paid through. I thought that from tomorrow I am not going to have sweets so lets indulge. The taste of the melting cookies and chocolates still linger on in my mind. From that day on I have had one non sugar-free ice-cream to celebrate that I had successfully controlled my taste buds for two years. Four chocolates ,10 sweets, two pastries and one or two cold drinks. I guess that’s pretty good.Nowadays if I do decide to indulge my sweet tooth, it is a very special occasion. So, I take extra pleasure in each bite knowing full well that the next bite might come after a considerable length of time. In some ways no one enjoys his sweet in the manner I do.

Continuing with the theme of this blog.I sometime know that I will have to let go of certain material objects, figurative hopes. However, I feel a compulsive urge to indulge for one last. I did not have any siblings at home so almost anything precious, I had,  was collected by my cousins. But on the last day I found myself indulging in my precious to my heart’s content. This kind of extended to my emotional self. Due to several twists of life, I found myself hopelessly in unrequited love. Some say everything is fair in love and war. But I play my wars within ambit of fixed rules and my quest for love had some queer rules driven by my need to possess a false sense of self-righteousness. One day I decided that I wont ever try for her love again. But then again I had to try one last time.. Indulge one last time knowing full well that some things can’t happen.

Thus I sum up my life with quotes:

I have promises to keep,

And miles to go before I sleep,

But the woods are lovely, dark, and deep

The decade that was

The month of December is usually the time we bribe our conscience. We look at all things that we did over the last year, We console ourselves for our screw ups ,mistakes and lie to ourselves that the next year would be better. This December is slightly better for me I have definitely two less lies to tell to pacify my inner guilt. I no longer need to tell me to stop bunking nor do I need to tell myself to be

disciplined in the way I lead my life. Being a diabetic, every meal, every second of laziness is a complicated third degree differential equation for me. But then I am no longer in college and my health is better than before. SO, there you go..

But its kind of funny, I miss this ritual of false promises. Even now I cant think of any major resolution rather than continuing the way I am doing.

We now live in the age of media. It’s a bit funny that this post was inspired by an article in cricinfo about the things we missed in the first decade of this millennium. This blog made me realize that 2009 wilt signify the end of second decade wherein I could really understand what a decade is. In many ways this year gives me the first opportunity to analyse the decade for the media frenzy that surrounded the new millennium in 1999. Doordarshan is probably the single biggest one word non-English entity that signifies the disconnect in the last two characters when i write any date. In the early nineties, DD1 in my uptron B&W tv was the holy grail of entertainment. Sometimes our antenna  did pick up signals of other temptations like ESPN but they were primarily an aberration.The B&W was replaced by a colour tv with a remote but for some high moral ground I did not allow cable tv at home. I wanted tv in my room and I did not want too many distractions. Although I was a teenager, I was given unparalleled freedom at home a courtesy not extended to my parents by me :D.A better part of 2000 was spent away from home. Now, I have DTH at parents home but i have a generic disdain for TV, my tastes have been polluted by ad free high-definition prints of TV series’s like house,In my home,, I have not bought a TV yet.

Next part is probably my digital life. Internet came to Dibrugarh in around 2000, I definitely had my first brush with internet in 2000 around the time of Sydney Olympics. I was really proud to have an email Id back then. Back usa.net had free email ids.although by the time i wanted to create an id it was subscription based. Yahoo was the big big giant of internet. But then all these are a part of 2000’s. the 90’s had no internet for me. Computer was a black and white screen having all data in floppies. It was fun to code in GW Basic. But all the hype around that time regarding computers and internet and the bust made me decide against studying computer sciencee.I thought if all people are computer engineers what is the fun in it. This resolution was manifested when I chose electronics over CS in IIT. Now I earn my bread and butter from internet and I stay online forever.

The third most significant thing for my generation is that India can win Test Matches abroad.

My hero

Evey few heartbeats an unknown neuron in my brain
Raises a war cry
it forges the blade to cut through the thorns of my past lives
it weaves the basket to collect the rainbows of the days gone by.

It makes me want to jump like a mad man
It makes me want to laugh like a drunk man
Vistas of an eden in my future beckons me to march ahead
And I walk, I run, I sprint, I leap ahead